Tearing Down Stereotypes

Sometimes my Doctor and Psychiatrists treat me differently because I have a few mental illnesses.
My doctor didn't beleive me that I couldn't walk up some stairs to get to my job at a call center after a year passed from the accident where an SUV struck me after speeding through doing a U-turn through a cross walk.  Yet the same doctor gave me a prescription for a wheelchair not much later.  Yet I don't want to admit that it hurts to sit and walk and stand.
I seen another doc who ordered an MRI of my spine.

Yes, there's damage, No I'm not fibbing.  I have degenerative discs, a torn disc and bulging discs.
Every time I go to the hospital and get out and see my psychiatrist at North Valley Mental Health she is very hostile with me.  I don't like it.  I am considering seeing Isaac for my meds at Pioneer Vallley based on an outpatient basis. Maybe things would be differently.  He doesn't get upset if I need treatment at a hospital.

I have delusions.  I thought my hair would grow back over night after cutting it near my scalp.  I was so sure and so wrong.  I was only 16.  I thought I conjured a very real sibling to help me cope with family life.  I once thought he was the devil, too.  I thought that my mom was waiting for me with dinner after church three weeks ago.  I was believing this lie for ten minutes.  My mom died eight years ago.  It was very upsetting.  I lost my appetite, skipped meals throughout a week.  I planned to overdose on my medication and not tell a soul.  Well I stopped myself and called one of my brothers.  He seemed angry because my death would upset his young children.  They are very fond of me as I am with them.  I love playing candy land, match games, and other games they have.  We watch movies, have snowball fights and how could I possibly take away their aunt?

I have borderline personality disorder.  I don't really understand it.  I just know I have to do DBT therapy and work on it everyday to keep it in check.  I am told I am a black and white thinker, but what does that mean?  "All or Nothing"thinker.  I don't get this disease  but it has me.  I see a fairly good person at North Valley for therapy.  She laughs at what I do sometimes and sometimes I am not sure it was funny.

I have mood changes.  I stay up until two am painting last night or should I say morning?
I have my highs which was last night.  I had anxiety attacks I was shaky couldn't breathe and just cried.  I wanted to know why sometimes God protected me from some bad things happening and then the SUV accident happened.  I was such a fighter and kept going to work.  I was stubborn.  The day I nearly fell down the stairs and couldn't raise my right leg to go up the stairs I called work and just quit.  It was terrifying to lose my job.  My boss even called and asked what he could do to keep me on.  What could I say, I needed an elevator in a building without one.

I have lost friends who couldn't deal with my ups and downs.  My suicide attempts.  My cutting problem.  Some people cut to feel something.  I cut to get to my veins and bleed out.  I have even lost the trust of doctors, they no longer give me strong pain medication for my spine problem.  I just hurt everyday and only find some comfort in taking Aleve gel caps for the pain.

I began being hospitalized at the age of 16.  I stayed somewhat stable because of my mother's influence and after her death I begun to lose it.  I was 25 and had a breakdown.  I couldn't work any longer.  I got  section 8 housing and lived alone and my rent was four dollars a month, utilities included.  I was desperate so I applied for social security disability.  I went through their paperwork and did their testing.  I got it on the first try.  I don't remember how long-but I know I waited anxiously for an answer on the application.

I try to stay motivated in my recovery. I plan to do things I enjoy every day.  I push myself to do things that are difficult yet possible.  Some tasks that may seem easy for you are much harder for me.
 I stir things up by going to the gym for free through classes through North Valley Mental Health.

I am so blessed to get the opportunity to work with Susie through Art Access Gallery doing a partnership.  They paired a disabled artist with a professional.  I am disabled.  Its hard for me to admit.  I don't go out of my way to tell people my story.  But I hope my story helps someone.  Know you are not alone in your struggle.  Don't give up and when you feel like you are about to, talk to someone you care about or 911.  You are worth it.  No one can replace you.